The Sweater
by Enthusiastic Fish
Summary: Crack!Fic from the NFA challenge. We had to pick an image from the Caption This! thread and write a fic based on it. This psychotic oneshot is what emerged. Enjoy! If you can...


**A/N:** Written for the NFA Crack!Fic Challenge. It was inspired (I don't know if that's actually the right word for what happened) by a screencap in the Caption This! Thread on NFA. Oneshot (Thank goodness!). If you don't know the sweater of which I speak, then you have not been paying attention to Ziva. Just read and all will become clear. Review as well, particularly if you think I am in desperate need of therapy... that's entirely possible.

**Disclaimer:** Do I really need to say it? I mean, what I've done to these characters is strange enough as it is. Oh well. I don't own NCIS or Abby or Tim or anyone else in the NCIS universe.

* * *

Tim came tearing into the lab.

"Abby! Abby!" he cried frantically. "Oh, please, oh, please, let them not have gotten her yet. I can't bear this alone."

"Hey, McGee, what's up?" Abby came wandering in from her office, sucking on a Caf-Pow, and, Tim was relieved to note, dressed in her normal Goth attire.

He was so happy to see her, looking normal, _being_ normal, that he actually instigated the hug. "You're you! Oh, I'm so glad. I thought maybe... but then, I saw that you were wearing the lab coat and the shirt..." he trailed off. "Oh, that _sweater_. I can't handle this on my own, Abbs. I need your help. We have to save them all!"

Abby stiffened under the verbal onslaught. "Tim, you're kind of freaking me out here. What's going on? What are you talking about? What sweater?"

"It's Ziva! And Gibbs! And Tony! It's everyone, except you and me! They're all wearing the _sweater_! I didn't realize it before, but Ziva's possessed!"

Abby laughed. "Right, McGee. Is this trying to get back at me for that prank I pulled on you last week? Because, this is pretty lame."

Tim released Abby and began restlessly pacing back and forth in front of her. "It's _not_ a joke, Abby! You haven't seen them. You haven't seen their _clothes_!"

"What?" Abby was about ready to call in the men in white coats. Tim was out of his mind.

Tim suddenly looked back toward the elevator. "Oh, no! They're coming."

"How do you know that?"

"I can sense them, Abby! I can feel the sweater coming! They're going to try to give you something, a..." here he shuddered violently, "...a _sweater_. Please, don't take it. Or... actually, you'd better take it, but don't try it on! I can't stand to lose you, too."

"Tim..."

"They gave me one, but I put them off, saying that I promised I'd wear it tomorrow. I pulled it on over my shirt, just to prove that I would wear it. I would have run away already, but I had to see if you were okay. It has to touch your bare chest. That's how they get you. They've all been taken over!" He looked at the elevator. "Please, Abby! You have to believe me! Just wait!" He laughed hysterically. "You'll see in seconds! Just don't let on that you know!"

"Know what, Tim?" Abby asked. "I don't know anything except that you're obviously going nuts!"

Then, all was revealed as the elevator doors opened and Ziva and Gibbs stepped out. Abby's jaw dropped to her chest. That _sweater_! It seemed to be alive! It was horrible! Ziva was dressed in a sweater that looked as though it had been resurrected from some thankfully bygone era. It was certainly not of this world. Nothing Tim had tried to explain could quite demonstrate the awfulness, the terror she felt at Ziva's attire. The sheer lack of... _fashion sense_. It was like staring at an alien. And then... Abby tried not to recoil as she saw a hint of a similarly patterned sweater peeking out from under Gibbs' jacket. She looked at Tim in horror. The sheer enormity of what he'd been saying suddenly hit her with the force of a ton of bricks. She was surprised to see a quivering half-smile on his lips.

"Tim, what–?" she began to ask. She stopped when she saw the message in his eyes.

She realized how important it was to show that she didn't suspect anything. Abby plastered a painful smile on her face and turned around to greet Ziva and Gibbs. All the while, they were both thinking, _Let's grin and bear it. The sweater! Better not enrage a Ninja woman!_

Not!Gibbs looked at the two who remained to be taken over and thought evilly, _Cowards! They think they can resist the power of the sweater! No one resists the sweater!_ And yet, somehow, Tim _was_ resisting. Ziva had been the first to wear the sweater, to join the pod. It was only once he had managed to get her under his power that he had dared to reveal his own sweater. Soon _everyone_ would be wearing the sweater and everyone would be part of the pod!

"Why are you not yet wearing the sweater, McGee?" Not!Ziva asked.

"I wanted to wait until tomorrow. I will wear it tomorrow; I promise, Ziva," Tim said faintly.

"Abby," Not!Ziva said, now turning her attention fully on the frightened Goth.

"Yes, Ziva?"

"I have something for you."

"What is it? I _love_ presents!"

"Here. Open it. Now," Not!Gibbs said, thrusting a package at her.

"Of course, Gibbs." Abby took the package, casting a fearful glance at Tim who nodded. She pulled off the paper and nearly threw up at the sight of the hideous sweater now nearly writhing in her hands. "It's... It's lovely, Ziva."

"Put it on. Now," Not!Gibbs ordered.

Abby looked at Tim again, silently asking for reassurance. He nodded again. She tensed and pulled the sweater on over her lab coat and t-shirt. "Wow, it looks even better on, Gibbs. Thanks! Thanks, Ziva!" Abby forced herself to hug the two possessed agents.

"You are welcome, Abby," Not!Ziva answered. "I expect to see you wearing it tomorrow. You, too, McGee."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world, Ziva."

"Good. We will see you tomorrow," Not!Gibbs said. The two turned and left.

Abby and Tim let out the breath they'd both been holding.

"How did you know, Tim?" Abby asked.

"It's my tie. I don't know why, but the stripes on my tie keep me from getting taken over. In fact, they glow a little bit when I get too close to the sweaters. I've managed to hide it so far, but I don't know how much longer I can keep them from finding out. We have to figure out some way of stopping them. The _sweater_ can't take over the world. We need to kill the sweater!"

Abby turned around to her computer and erased whatever work she'd been doing. "Okay, Tim. We'll figure this out. What _is_ the sweater?"

Tim sagged onto one of the nearby stools. He looked terribly frightened and weary. "It's not of this world. I think it came through a rip in the fabric of space-time, straight from the '70s. I don't know how else to explain it. I've been doing research and there was an attempted takeover in '74, but then, the sweaters all disappeared and I don't know what happened to them. I think, now, that they must have opened a conduit to this time... or maybe they were hanging out in secondhand stores or the back of someone's closet, waiting for a chance to rise again." Tim's voice was shaking and he shivered violently. "We have to _destroy_ them this time, Abby! They can't come back."

Abby pulled the vile sweater off of her. Tim was surprised at how easy it was for her. "Tony couldn't resist, Abby. He couldn't help but give in. I tried to warn him, but the pull was too strong. How did you resist?" Before she could answer, he stared intently at her spider-web tattoo. It was glowing faintly. "It's your tattoo! It's keeping the sweater at bay." He hugged her again. "I'm so glad you're safe! I couldn't stand it if I was alone in here."

"How can we stop them?" Abby asked.

"We have to find some way to destroy all the sweaters. They haven't managed to get out of the building yet, but I think they will if we don't stop them before five o'clock!"

"We have to get the sweaters off them? That's all?"

"Yes, they link to our minds through direct contact with our chests. Once that contact is broken, so is the link."

"Okay..." Abby started to pace as well. Then, she stopped, a huge grin on her face. "I've got it! I've got it, Tim! It will be a little embarrassing for everyone, but I know just how to destroy the sweaters. Do you know what the fabric is?"

"I think it's a faux-wool. Probably some sort of polyester or rayon."

"Oh, good. That will melt easily. But we'll have to make sure it simply dissolves because I don't think we want the sweaters to be absorbed into their skin."

"Oh, no! No, we don't want that. Then, the sweaters will be with them always," Tim said, grimacing horribly.

"Okay, let's get to work. We can _do _this, Tim! We'll save NCIS from the sweater!"

---

Three hours later, the plan was ready. Tim and Abby had their sweaters on over their clothes. Tim could just see Abby's tattoo glowing and he felt the warmth that told him his striped tie was glowing, too. They ran through the building, dropping little packets in all the vents and installing a large package in the main air intake. Then, they turned on the air conditioning, full blast and headed for the bullpen.

"Soon, all in the building will be joined to the pod," Not!Gibbs was saying as they snuck in to watch.

"That is very good, Gibbs," Not!Tony said. He appeared to be in some difficulty.

"Is something wrong, Tony?" Not!Ziva asked, feeling strange herself.

"I feel strange," he replied. Suddenly, shrieks came out all over the bullpen as clothes began to dissolve right and left. It sounded like something was dying. Abby and Tim watched as their own clothes began to disappear as the strange concoction of chemicals Abby had cooked up circulated through the air, killing the sweaters. All the sweaters were dying.

They looked back to their team. Ziva, Tony and Gibbs were all having strange spasms and shrieking as the mind-controlling sweaters began to disappear from their bodies... along with their other clothes.

"Wasn't there some way to let them keep their other clothes, Abby?" Tim asked, blushing as most of his own clothes began to dissolve.

"Sorry, Tim. I only had a few hours. Only the organic fabrics will survive. Cotton, linen, that kind of stuff.

Tim sighed in relief. At least he wouldn't be _completely_ naked. That was more than he could say for some of the others in the bullpen. Suddenly, Not!Gibbs made one desperate play to survive. He lunged toward Tim, but as soon as he touched him, he shrieked in agony as the striped tie, which survived the dissolution of the other artificial fabrics, began to glow brilliantly.

Tim stood and screamed at the sweater, "Die! Die, evil sweater!"

Not!Gibbs fell to the floor. Within an hour, the entire building was full of people in varying degrees of nudity, but all were back to themselves again. No one remembered what had happened. No one except for Abby and Tim.

"What if a sweater managed to get out, Tim? What if there are other sweaters, worse sweaters waiting for another chance?" Abby asked quietly as she watched Tony frantically searching for something to cover himself. Apparently, he didn't go in for the cotton underwear.

Tim heaved a deep sigh of relief, a triumphant smile on his face. "We'll be ready for them. I have my ties and you have your tattoos. Even if no one else is ready, _we_ can save them all again. We'll keep the world safe from committing another such fashion faux-pas as the sweater. Together, Abby, we can save the world again."

They hugged, secure in the belief that even if it wasn't over, at least they had each other.


End file.
